Benevolent, He Is Not
by RainGoddess2040
Summary: What purpose have the sacrificial, the lowly beasts of burden, the commoners, but service and praise of their god? My god is many things, but there is something that even he lacks... Jakeward


**Character(s): **Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan  
**Pairing(s): **Edward/Bella, Jakeward (one-sided)  
**Warning(s): **semi-canon, suicidal thoughts, implied character death, slashy thoughts  
**Spoiler(s): **A whole lot! (Not Really) Twilight and New Moon mostly, though…  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the plot. I can't afford anything else.  
**A/N: **First Twilight fic with my favorite pairing.

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What purpose has a lowly beast of burden, but toil in the name of its master? What purpose have the sacrificial, but to give their lives in the name of their god?

I have done this and more in the name of my faith. I have laid myself bare at the altar of my god. And what is the reward for this humble servant?

Indifference.

Hatred would hurt less than this. He knows what it is I need and instead of pushing me away or pulling me closer, he leaves me standing in the temple of his worship alone, while my prayers fall on deaf ears.

He holds the world on a thread, but there is something that even he lacks.

I was once unwilling, but can call myself such no longer. My every thought is suffused with his greatness, his beauty, his love. Yet, his love is not for me. It is for another that once I worshipped as a goddess. She is still such, especially in the strength of his arms. However, she is now the moon in comparison to the sun that my god shuns so viciously.

I expect that his turning a blind eye and deaf ear to my pleas and woe, stems from confusion and suspicion. I understand it because how could one not when my worship of his goddess was forsaken so quickly for my worship of him. I was once one who would defile his temple and reek havoc at his altar and during his absence from his goddess' life, I did so.

And now, in an effort to show my unfailing love for him, I will sacrifice myself for the sake of his and his goddess' joy. I will remove myself from existence in hopes that my death shall not be in vain and that my love will no longer be a stain on his life. I will leave so that they may live without my shadow and my weak worship.

He has the love of a goddess and the adoration of hundreds upon hundreds of thousands, but there is still something that he has not.

He is strong and impregnable, fierce and deadly, fair and just, calm and collected. He is my world and my glory...

***Edward***

_We found his body in the woods. He was kneeling in a pool of his own blood. I always knew that the mutts were strong, but I never expected to see their strength used for something like that. Bella was undeniably distraught and I couldn't do much to comfort her, but hold her to me and say that he had probably gone to a better place. However, if my human family's faith was to be believed, then he had not gone anywhere where he would find peace, but to a place of eternal damnation_

_After his funeral (to which, of course, I was not allowed - not that I would have wanted to go anyway) Bella came to me in absolute agony. I didn't know why she felt as she did, but again it was up to me to comfort her. She told me how there was an undercurrent of tension throughout the entire ceremony, which apparently only came about because of her arrival. She could understand that they would be feeling grief for their friend, their brother, their son, but she couldn't understand why they would hate her so much after she spent so much of her time with Jacob after I left and even after I returned. I told her that I would figure it out so that maybe she could make amends. She believed me and I hated myself a little for lying to her, when I already knew._

_I mean, really – could you tell the one you loved that their best friend died because they feel in love with you and knew that they could never have you? I'm not that cold. I mean, I actually feel kind of bad about the situation; it's not like he had much of a choice. He was a victim of fate, as are we all. I told my family the truth when I found out what had happened and I thought that they would understand and see that it wasn't my fault, but it turns out that, like so few times before, I was wrong. Carlisle and Esme speak to me, but disappointment and pain colour their speech and thoughts. Neither Alice nor Jasper speaks to me at all, and their thoughts have become even harder to decipher. Emmett and Rosalie are the only ones who still act normally towards me, but sometimes I catch Rosalie looking at me out of the corner of her eye with an unreadable expression and Emmett's thoughts sometimes slip to 'what ifs?'._

_I'll have to tell Bella some day that her mutt died because he couldn't handle his 'imprint.' She might hate me, but she'll get over it. She loved me more than him anyway. I'll make her see that it's no use feeling sorrow over it and hopefully over time she'll forget him. I mean, it's not like he was important in the first place._

**_---------------_ /3_ ---------------_**

_…**but benevolent, he is not.**_

**-fin-**

**A/N:** Sooo.... yeah, sorry 'bout that. I love Jake like a brother, but I couldn't keep him alive. If you have any ideas on how I could make it happier or better, please advise. I know it's not good, but it's my first Jakeward fic and Twilight fic, so be a little gentler than if it weren't my first Twific... Thanks for reading.


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